Dealing with Feelings of Failure and IsolationWritten by Kathy West
Original
article reprinted with permission from the
AddNet UK website
Having to deal with feelings of failure and isolation is
an all too common experience - both for children and adults with ADD and
for parents of ADD children. And in the process we also loose confidence,
often become depressed, and like our ADD children suffer huge blows to
our self-esteem and ability to cope. By the teen years mothers of ADHD
children in particular are more likely than not to be suffering from at
least mild depression.
Often right from the beginning you believe you are not
being a good mother or father - especially if your child is always miserable,
hard to settle, and cries all the time. Your social contacts will gradually
decrease, and you are likely to have growing feelings of guilt that you
are not being a good parent, even though you are trying as hard as possible
and nothing seems to make a difference. If you loose your rag from time
to time, through lack of sleep and frustration, you are likely to feel
even guiltier. What works on other children does not usually work with
an ADD child. Yet most of us who are parents of ADD children have been
told by friends, family, teachers, doctors and other professionals that
we are not being good parents - not strict enough or too strict, feeding
our child too much or too little, not setting limits, not giving our child
enough love or giving too much attention -- whatever it is we are not
doing or doing too much of it doesn't work in making our child or us happier
or life easier! What doesn't work with an ADD child is likely to work
with non-ADD children, and this makes things even more frustrating! Often we spend years with school staff on our backs, 'friends'
and family giving us advice about what we should be doing, neighbors complaining,
school friends ignoring our child and not including him or her in activities,
baby-sitters being unwilling to return, no longer having time for a life
of our own and entering a downward spiral of loneliness, lowering self-esteem
and lack of confidence. The majority of us have been told by someone or another
(usually by lots of experts) that we are inadequate or poor or dysfunctional
parents. Even though we know we are almost always doing our best, part
of us begins to believe this. If we are single parents, our problems are
often blamed on the lack of a father or mother in our child's life. During
all this, our child is also being told he or she is naughty, lazy, not
intelligent, spoilt or nasty. No wonder we often find life pretty unrewarding
for all concerned!
Following are some tips from ADD parents, who have all
felt lonely and isolated and depressed. They may help you like they have
helped the people who contributed them. Please let us have your suggestions
as well, and we will expand the list from time to time. - Remember
that most parents of ADD children have had similar experiences. Make
sure you get to know other parents of ADD children (you can do this
by contacting your local support group). You can find others to trade
experiences with, and find out that you are not alone but one of many.
Find families with children of the same sex and similar age and similar
problems - then comparing experience can be especially helpful.
- Learn as
much as you possibly can about ADD. This will give you an enormous amount
of confidence when dealing with experts, professionals and difficult
situations. Be an informed consumer! Many, many parents of ADD children
know far more about ADD than the professionals they are dealing with.
This knowledge will help you to make your case for the services and
support you need
- Make time
for yourself, and make sure you have a part of each week where you do
something for you. This will help to keep your energy and interest and
self-esteem.
- If you are
depressed or afraid or not coping, get help! You cannot help your child
if you are not strong and have some happiness and satisfaction in your
own life.
- Ensure you
are safe. Sometimes the ADD behavior of teenagers in particular can
be both frightening and dangerous. In some extreme cases, you may have
to call the police, or ask your child to leave the family home. The
bottom line is that you must protect yourself.
- Remember
that ADD is not your fault and it is not your child's fault. Keep reminding
yourself of this and keep reminding your child. Also remember that ADD
is a treatable condition and the problems that it causes can be treated
and solved!
- Even the
best parents make mistakes. They certainly will loose their tempers.
They may well say things they later regret - and fairly frequently.
They may even hit out to protect themselves. This happens to most parents,
so accept that you will make mistakes. Apologize if you do make a mistake.
If you have done something which could be dangerous, get help or find
ways of not repeating this. Most parents of ADD children have responded
at least once to a difficult situation in ways they regret - so remember
you are not alone.
- Keep in touch
with your friends. It is vital you have supportive people in your life
of your own age and peer group. Choose people who like you for who you
are and also accept and support your child. Spend as little time as
possible with people who make you feel low or unhappy or inadequate.
Choose those who boost your self-esteem and confidence.
- In the same
way, spend time with people who like and accept your child for who he
or she is - as someone with his or her own positive qualities and style.
Find people with a relaxed and flexible approach to life, as this will
give your child more chances to fit in and be appreciated!
- Get plenty
of exercise, good food and rest. Exercise is also excellent for ADD
children and adults, and may give an opportunity for you and your child
to spend time together.
- Make sure
you find some way of having a laugh each day -- and keep your sense
of humor alive as much as possible. A laugh can do wonders to boost
your mood and looking at the funny side of life (yes there really is
one!) helps keep things in balance.
- Get out and
about - take trips and try new experiences where your child can be active
and not have to behave perfectly.
- Tell others
about ADD and talk about it. Help with your local support group. This
is a condition which needs to be better known and understood - and anything
you can do will make life better for all people with ADD. You will also
have done something worthwhile. Talk about it as a different way of
thinking but with lots of positives as well.
- Keep a diary
- note changes, improvements and the good times as well as the bad.
This may help to give you a sense of progress and change - and valuable
information for the future.
- Consider
if you or your partner may have ADD yourselves. If you do, it will make
dealing with an ADD child even more difficult. If you are able to help
yourself and get treatment and support, the chances of successful changes
will be increased for everyone.
- Make sure
that your child is evaluated for problems other than ADD which may make
his or her life even more difficult - for example, specific learning
difficulties, depression, phobias, panic attacks, hearing problems.
You want your child to succeed and your child wants desperately to succeed
(even though it is not always obvious). Getting help for any additional
problems will help that to happen.
- Keep in regular
touch with your child's school - especially the Special Educational
Needs co-ordinator. Keep them informed and in touch. If you can build
up a good relationship, then this will help when you need additional
provision, encounter problems, or want specific help.
- Think about
your child's positive qualities. Make a big thing of them to your child.
Celebrate them by displaying your child's work in your house, bragging
to your friends, giving rewards and compliments, and concentrating at
all times on the positive. Accept your child for who he or she is --
smile and encourage and praise and look forward. This will help to boost
your child's self-esteem, and put the negatives into better balance.
- Do the same
for yourself - smile at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself what
a great parent you are! It may seem a bit forced at first, but it will
help to encourage you to be more positive and optimistic.
- Make sure
you meet people who are good role models - for your sake and your child's
sake. Many ADD people have had a miserable childhood - at worst in and
out of trouble, expelled from school, sent to schools for people with
behavioral difficulties, been in trouble with the law or addiction.
And many have gone on to succeed and excel in many areas. Others have
had help and support as children, and make it through the system with
a good degree of success. ADD people often have enormous talent, creativity,
intelligence and generosity and lots of helpful experience to pass on.
Their stories and experiences can help to encourage you and your children.
So can those of other people who are generous, warm-hearted and positive.
- Remember,
you know your child best. You will know what your child likes and needs
and wants better than anyone. Stand up for your child!
- Organize
outings and activities with other families with ADD children. You will
be among parents and children who understand and hopefully enjoy the
lively and boisterous atmosphere - where you never know what will happen
next!
- If you aren't
already, get connected to the Internet! There is an enormous amount
of information out here. If you are connected via Compuserve, the Compuserve
ADD forum is one place to chat with others interested in ADD - all over
the world!
- Keep hope
alive! Even the most difficult situation can change for the better,
and has done in MANY MANY real life cases. Most ADD people have among
their qualities much potential - intelligence, generosity, insight,
creativity, energy, flexibility and resourcefulness, to name a few.
- These positive qualities will usually
make a difference in the end. |
